This is happening

March 17, 2014

Honestly, I didn’t really feel pregnant until this week. I have been, for twenty-five weeks, of course, but it’s this week really that I stopped being able to sleep comfortably. My belly gets in the way when I try to move from downward-facing dog to warrior one in yoga class. A couple of weeks ago I stopped running, I thought that was going to be the marker, but it turns out that it’s other, simpler things. It takes me a few seconds longer to get up off the sofa (using my hands and arms helps, too). And I hadn’t realized how slowly I was walking up our hill each time (it’s steep!) until Scott and I walked home from dinner together the other night and he was clearly trying to slow himself down to accommodate me.

This week, as I start to really feel all of these little changes, it makes me realize how much I was just hoping to feel things before, wondering, “Is he moving?” It’s fun, and it’s definitely about time, since for the first time we’ve realized: wow, we should really pick a crib, and a stroller, and perhaps get ready for a whole new human to live in our house with us. That’s not going to happen on its own.

Also, I stopped having any clue how to dress myself. I just have no idea, none. As someone who had always been (I hate this description but for lack of something better) pear-shaped, I’m now a different fruit. Where I was flat chested before, I now have boobs (I became a woman! I kept saying to Scott), and what used to be a pretty flat stomach before is now something very convex. Where I could mostly get away with wearing my normal clothes for the last few months, it’s not the case anymore. (However, I’m not going to complain about maternity jeans, they’re kind of awesome. Who doesn’t want jeans that fit well and also have elastic in the waist?) Other maternity clothes thought? I feel like I’m cobbling together a very weird wardrobe. If anyone has any tips, please share.

Lastly, I will never, ever roll my eyes at any abdominal exercise, ever. I’ve been trying to still stay active, and since I can’t run anymore I’ve been trying to do more yoga and trying out some other classes, all of which pretty much rely on your core, which I can’t really access anymore. Not using your core to do lunges or squats or tree pose or warrior three is really f-ing hard, it makes your legs shake and tips you off balance. I will forever try to remember this feeling of frustration and give a silent nod to the center of my body, which does so much.

I’m aware that these are shallow things to notice in pregnancy. They’re superficial manifestations of an experience that is one of the most profound a woman can have in her lifetime. That said, I’ve had a hard time mentally getting ready for motherhood. Mostly it’s terrifying and also I think that it’s just going to be okay, that whatever instincts I have will carry me through and my friends and family who have done this before will share their wisdom (which they have done already, in spades, and I’m so grateful). I’m reading some books, but it still feels abstract. As much as it feels wrong to admit it, it’s these surface changes that make me realize that this is really happening.

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